Daily Gazette News Bulletin: Shakespeare's Website

"A Shocking Sight to Behold" - Shakespeare's Site

By Jason Yang

The most famous writer in the English language and the world's greatest dramatist, Shakespeare has returned from the dead - news that has been met by shock, awe and fear across the planet. Over the past few months, the world's best doctors, academics, linguists, psychologists and physiotherapists have been helping bring the Bard back to the 21st century. His lessons covered everything from history, science, finance, technology and of course, linguistics. Reports, released consistently to map his progress have shown that Shakespeare is responding well to the interventions and preparatory activities. He's also taken a liking to naan, Nutella and Nespresso.  

The more curious developments, however, relate (as it often does these days) to the web. And we mean that in both of the potential literal interpretations. After having recently discovered the internet and all the new ways of doing things, Shakespeare, who now goes by Big W, stumbled upon his Wikipedia page.

5 days ago, the entire page was rewritten in old English and all negative criticisms corrected. The first few lines read as follows, suggesting there is yet a gap that needs to be bridged in order to have Big W communicating flawlessly with the general public:

William shakespeare (bapt.  26 april 1564 – 23 april 1616) wast an english playwright, poet, and act'r, widely did regard as the greatest writ'r in the english language and the w'rld's greatest dramatist. That gent is oft hath called england's national poet and the "bard of avon" ('r simply "the bard"). His extant w'rks, enwheeling collab'rations, consisteth of some 39 plays, 154 sonnets, three longeth narrative poems, and a few oth'r v'rses, some of unc'rtain auth'rship.  His plays has't been did translate into ev'ry maj'r living language and art p'rf'rm'd m're oft than those of any oth'r playwright. Those gents eke continueth to beest did study and reint'rpret'd.

3 days ago, we received word from the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust that they had received a letter from Shakespeare demanding an undisclosed percentage of total charitable donations. Shakespeare refused to comment; however, he now comfortably resides in his old home in Stratford-upon-Avon. There are, however, talks that he wants to move to the "novel" lands further West. It's believed that Shakespeare wants to see some of the newer entertainment epicentres across the world as he assesses how to launch his career anew.

Yesterday, someone anonymously set up a GoFundMe campaign to help Shakespeare return to his writing and continue producing his literature. The initial target of £50,000 was surpassed in 2 hours and now the fundraiser has reached a whopping £150,000+. Who knows what Shakespeare will do with this money - where he will go, what he will learn or how he will shape his future now that he has to settle into this unfamiliar world. Shakespeare has been known for making observations, sharing beliefs and commenting on current affairs through the subtle medium of his character's thoughts and feelings. In a world where he can share his ideas more freely, without the fear of losing his head, will he take an interest in spreading his ideas again? If so, will it be through a new set of plays or will we see Shakespeare the Influencer born from the ashes of a great writer? Such are the speculations of all who take the time to mull over the implications of the Bard's access which he has been given to the world's largest fountain of knowledge and fastest everyday form of communication.

It came as a surprise for everyone that Shakespeare has also launched a personal website, no doubt capitalising on the advice of his countless supporters. We have been made aware that a portion of the funds previously raised have been invested into said website and its upkeep. However, despite having a stellar team who managed to get the pages and its content up in under 24 hours, no one could have expected the huge, never before seen amount of traffic. The website crashed within seconds of going live and little information is available as to its exact contents as the team work behind the scenes to restore it.

Speaking to some lucky few who caught a glimpse of his site, we can confirm this was not a basic one resembling the likes of Patrick Collison, but rather it was more like superstar blogger Tim Ferris’s site. It truly seems that Shakespeare is on the offensive once again - ready to bring his image to the fore of the public's consciousness. Maybe an anxiety around losing either his relevance or the general reverence that the public has held for him over a handful of centuries is behind this drastic and sudden action. No doubt, building his presence on the internet is a good strategic move on his part if he wants to connect with the world. But if he should try and outdo his old self in unfamiliar territories and changing times is a good idea is a question the answer to which is not immediately obvious. Some academics are not convinced that Shakespeare will find the success he might crave, while others, namely psychiatrists, are concerned with the likely mental burden this will place on the Bard. Putting himself forward into the public eye so soon when he is yet to fully grasp the nuance and context of the world he now lives in, could be a recipe for disaster. Alternatively, it could be the start of a new type of success, if the Bard is willing to compromise and be flexible with his goals.

The world has been shocked by Shakespeare’s return to our modern timeline and even more so of his meteoric rise. What will he do next? Subscribe to our mailing list to stay up to date.

By Jason

Up Next: Act 1 Scene 3: Shakespeare works as a Strategic Social Commentator